Someone once told me guilt is a useless emotion. I'm not sure that's entirely true, but either way it doesn't change the fact that mothering seems to involve a lot of guilt. Guilt about not being there for dinner or bedtime. Guilt about going back to work, or not going back to work, sending them to daycare, not sending them to daycare, breast feeding, not breast feeding, how much time you spend with each one, who has the bigger/better room, who has more clothes, who gets to go out alone with you more often, the list goes on and on.
Case in point, I was at the mall this week buying bath suits for the kids. Alexa also happened to need new pants and some new shirts cause this kid seems to grow WAY faster then her brother. I was walking through the mall with one thing for Mason and 6 things for Alexa and feeling sick that I didn't have the same amount for each kid. I then spent the next 10 mins trying to rationalize to myself that this is okay, because he really didn't need anything else, and why spend money on clothes he doesn't need. He really doesn't care at this point about clothes. If i'd come home with 6 toys for his sister and 1 for him that would have been a different story. And there will be a point where he is going to need and therefore get more clothes then his sister so this will all even out, right? Well that's what I tell myself to avoid going crazy over this kind of stuff.
I have always made an effort to treat Mason and Alexa as individuals. Having said that I don't get upset when people refer to them as 'the twins' because they are in fact 'the twins'. And since they are SO different the only thing that really makes them 'the twins' is that they were born on the same day. And I do think there is something really special about being able to be called 'the twins'. Nonetheless, they are very individual little people who require very different things from me and the people in their lives. Alexa is a physically demanding child. That is just a fact. She does not do independent, or at least not without being forced to. She wants to be with you and do whatever you're doing, always. She will demand to be apart of what you're doing or demand that you come to her level and play or cuddle or read stories, or whatever. She is always touching you and always wanting to be touched. She occupies an incredible amount of my time. Mason on the other hand has an incredible imagination. He can play by himself endlessly, and seems to prefer it that way. He will be alone is his room with nothing but his Ghosty and you'll hear him laughing his little face off as though his best friend just told him the best joke he'd ever heard. That being said, he is also highly emotional and sensitive (sorry buddy, you get that from me!!). So i spend a lot of time with him talking about things, what the day will bring. Preparing him for changes, explaining things, calming him down, hugging him. This is the kid who will wake up in the night just to ask you for a hug. Giving him the emotional love and support he needs takes up the bulk of my patience for the day. Some have argued with me that I'm not doing him any favours by doing so much' prepping' of changes and what not cause 'that's not how the world works'. True, it's not how the world works. But he's also only 2.5. As he gets older the life lesson that you need to be able to roll with things to a certain degree will kick in, I hope, and if not then he's in for a hell of a hard life. But I think most people, even those who don't like change learn to adapt and accept that change happens and you have to keep moving or get left behind...but this is a whole other topic!
Even though I try to treat each child as an individual and meet their specific needs I still wondering if I'm giving them the same attention, love, help, instruction, praise, patience, material things? Am I giving them enough one on one time? Apparently this never goes away. My youngest brother is 31, I'm 28 and my Mom still says to us on Christmas 'I spent the same amount of money, just one of you got a big thing and the other several small things.' Neither of us has ever felt like we've been treated unfairly which leads me to think that this motherly guilt is entirely self inflicted. I do wonder if fathers feel the same parental guilt as mothers?
I wish I could say that my shopping trip is the last time I will feel guilty about not being equal with something in regards to the kids, but I know it won't be. Maybe guilt is there to keep us honest and try to keep us fair. All I can do is promise Mason and Lexi that any semblance of unfairness is not intentional. I love you both for the unique little creatures you are and like all mothers, I'm doing the very best I can.
Saturday 28 January 2012
Sunday 22 January 2012
Living the Dream
Sometimes on the way to a dream, we get lost and find a better one.
I've always wanted to be a mother. I've dreamt of it since I was a little girl. I never gave much thought to getting married or who I would have babies with, but i knew I would have babies one day. Three boys is what I always wanted. I was so fascinated with babies that I think it scared my Mom, and so when I was a pre teen she gave me a VERY graphic book on child birth, I think in hopes of scaring me! It worked! I will never forget that book, but I was still fascinated.
When I was 24, 7 months after getting married, I got the news I'd always dreamt of getting. I was pregnant. I was terrified, and nervous and scared, and also a little excited. I always thought the decision to have a baby would be mine (and my partners), but as I've come to learn, we don't always have that much control! The timing was less then ideal. My hubby was leaving for 3 months to go do a training program, I was planning to go back to school, we had an new puppy that I was just getting use to....this was not the right time. But as my Dad says, is there every really a right time?
We were just wrapping our heads around becoming parents when we had our 18 week ultrasound. Things were about to get even more out of my control! The ultrasound tech turned to me after a few minutes and said 'I see two heads'. Twins. My head started racing. We need to get two cribs...two car seats...two of everything! We need a bigger car. What about Bailey (the dog)? Am I going to be able to go back to work after their born? How do you hold two babies at once? We have to pick two names!! How on earth were we going to do this. I had a vague idea of how hard having one baby was, how the hell were we going to do this with two??? Who's crazy ass idea was it to give us two babies in the first place?? It took months to really come to terms with and adjust to the new plan. I just kept telling myself 'you're only given what you can handle'. I clung to that saying until the end of the twins' first year!
On April 15, 2009 my two little peanuts were born. A boy and a girl. We figured out how to hold two babies at once. Hell i even learned how to pee while feeding a baby. We got two of everything we needed. We got a bigger car, well a van actually. Bailey adjusted and we even managed to agree on TWO names! Lol. We stumbled and figured it all out just like everyone else, and now i can't imagine not having two. Maybe it's not the dream I dreamt about as a little girl, but maybe it's better.
I've always wanted to be a mother. I've dreamt of it since I was a little girl. I never gave much thought to getting married or who I would have babies with, but i knew I would have babies one day. Three boys is what I always wanted. I was so fascinated with babies that I think it scared my Mom, and so when I was a pre teen she gave me a VERY graphic book on child birth, I think in hopes of scaring me! It worked! I will never forget that book, but I was still fascinated.
When I was 24, 7 months after getting married, I got the news I'd always dreamt of getting. I was pregnant. I was terrified, and nervous and scared, and also a little excited. I always thought the decision to have a baby would be mine (and my partners), but as I've come to learn, we don't always have that much control! The timing was less then ideal. My hubby was leaving for 3 months to go do a training program, I was planning to go back to school, we had an new puppy that I was just getting use to....this was not the right time. But as my Dad says, is there every really a right time?
We were just wrapping our heads around becoming parents when we had our 18 week ultrasound. Things were about to get even more out of my control! The ultrasound tech turned to me after a few minutes and said 'I see two heads'. Twins. My head started racing. We need to get two cribs...two car seats...two of everything! We need a bigger car. What about Bailey (the dog)? Am I going to be able to go back to work after their born? How do you hold two babies at once? We have to pick two names!! How on earth were we going to do this. I had a vague idea of how hard having one baby was, how the hell were we going to do this with two??? Who's crazy ass idea was it to give us two babies in the first place?? It took months to really come to terms with and adjust to the new plan. I just kept telling myself 'you're only given what you can handle'. I clung to that saying until the end of the twins' first year!
On April 15, 2009 my two little peanuts were born. A boy and a girl. We figured out how to hold two babies at once. Hell i even learned how to pee while feeding a baby. We got two of everything we needed. We got a bigger car, well a van actually. Bailey adjusted and we even managed to agree on TWO names! Lol. We stumbled and figured it all out just like everyone else, and now i can't imagine not having two. Maybe it's not the dream I dreamt about as a little girl, but maybe it's better.
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