Guilt

Someone once told me guilt is a useless emotion. I'm not sure that's entirely true, but either way it doesn't change the fact that mothering seems to involve a lot of guilt. Guilt about not being there for dinner or bedtime. Guilt about going back to work, or not going back to work, sending them to daycare, not sending them to daycare, breast feeding, not breast feeding, how much time you spend with each one, who has the bigger/better room, who has more clothes, who gets to go out alone with you more often, the list goes on and on.

Case in point, I was at the mall this week buying bath suits for the kids. Alexa also happened to need new pants and some new shirts cause this kid seems to grow WAY faster then her brother. I was walking through the mall with one thing for Mason and 6 things for Alexa and feeling sick that I didn't have the same amount for each kid. I then spent the next 10 mins trying to rationalize to myself  that this is okay, because he really didn't need anything else, and why spend money on clothes he doesn't need. He really doesn't care at this point about clothes. If i'd come home with 6 toys for his sister and 1 for him that would have been a different story. And there will be a point where he is going to need and therefore get more clothes then his sister so this will all even out, right? Well that's what I tell myself to avoid going crazy over this kind of stuff.

I have always made an effort to treat Mason and Alexa as individuals. Having said that I don't get upset when people refer to them as 'the twins' because they are in fact 'the twins'. And since they are SO different the only thing that really makes them 'the twins' is that they were born on the same day. And I do think there is something really special about being able to be called 'the twins'. Nonetheless, they are very individual little people who require very different things from me and the people in their lives. Alexa is a physically demanding child. That is just a fact. She does not do independent, or at least not without being forced to. She wants to be with you and do whatever you're doing, always. She will demand to be apart of what you're doing or demand that you come to her level and play or cuddle or read stories, or whatever. She is always touching you and always wanting to be touched. She occupies an incredible amount of my time. Mason on the other hand has an incredible imagination. He can play by himself endlessly, and seems to prefer it that way. He will be alone is his room with nothing but his Ghosty and you'll hear him laughing his little face off as though his best friend just told him the best joke he'd ever heard. That being said, he is also highly emotional and sensitive (sorry buddy, you get that from me!!). So i spend a lot of time with him talking about things, what the day will bring. Preparing him for changes, explaining things, calming him down, hugging him. This is the kid who will wake up in the night just to ask you for a hug. Giving him the emotional love and support he needs takes up the bulk of my patience for the day. Some have argued with me that I'm not doing him any favours by doing so much' prepping' of changes and what not cause 'that's not how the world works'. True, it's not how the world works. But he's also only 2.5. As he gets older the life lesson that you need to be able to roll with things to a certain degree will kick in, I hope, and if not then he's in for a hell of a hard life. But I think most people, even those who don't like change learn to adapt and accept that change happens and you have to keep moving or get left behind...but this is a whole other topic!

Even though I try to treat each child as an individual and meet their specific needs I still wondering if I'm giving them the same attention, love, help, instruction, praise, patience, material things? Am I giving them enough one on one time? Apparently this never goes away. My youngest brother is 31, I'm 28 and my Mom still says to us on Christmas 'I spent the same amount of money, just one of you got a big thing and the other several small things.' Neither of us has ever felt like we've been treated unfairly which leads me to think that this motherly guilt is entirely self inflicted. I do wonder if fathers feel the same parental guilt as mothers?

I wish I could say that my shopping trip is the last time I will feel guilty about not being equal with something in regards to the kids, but I know it won't be. Maybe guilt is there to keep us honest and try to keep us fair. All I can do is promise Mason and Lexi that any semblance of unfairness is not intentional. I love you both for the unique little creatures you are and like all mothers, I'm doing the very best I can.