As our friends are starting to have kids and struggle with adjusting to their new roles it's made me think about what I would tell myself if I could go back and give myself some advice. Here is what I would say.
Dear Self,
You're about to go on the biggest journey of your life, and you need to know a few things before the time comes.
This is going to be hard. Harder then you can even imagined hard. You will get no more then 4 interrupted hours of sleep at a time for the next 9 months and the intense sleep deprivation will make you feel like you're loosing control. Oh, speaking of which, you will have no control. The babies will dictate when you eat, when you sleep, when you go to the bathroom, when you shower, when you have a moment to spend with your husband, they will have all the control.
You will attempt the 'sleep when they sleep' thing and realize that it just doesn't work cause when the twins are sleeping you will sit in the chair beside their play pen and waiting for the next 'crisis', running through endless scenarios of how you will handle it and will you be able to do what needs to be done by yourself.
Accept help, and ask for it when you need it, but also know there is such a thing as too much help. You need to learn to do things on your own to gain confidence. Thank people for their offer to help but then explain you need to do it yourself. You will come to really enjoy the nights because it's the only time you'll be alone.
You will feel sorry for yourself and cry. A lot. You will wonder 'why me' in regards to why you had twins and realize you haven't really dealt with the news. It will take some time but you will adjust and eventually learn to love it. You will question if you were ready for this and you will doubt your abilities and wonder if you're doing enough.
You will question every decision you make and wonder if there even is a right answer to most of these questions. Use your common sense and follow your gut. They will never lead you astray. You will also feel judged by everyone, including the little old lady at Shoppers Drug Mart who will ask you a hundred questions and then frown and scowl when you say something she doesn't approve of. You will also get questioned to the death about breast feeding, since apparently your breasts are now a topic for public conversation, and get judged and criticized for choosing to bottle feed. You will also feel chocked to death by all the literature that is being sent to you about why breast is best and get really pissed off when you realize that all over the can of formula you buy it too is pretty much telling you you're making the wrong choice. You will also want to punch your public health nurse who keeps harping at you about it and eventually tell her not to come back and not to call anymore. You don't need her 'support' and perhaps she should work on her acceptance of others decisions and support them in their decisions instead of forcing her way on them....what you'll really want to say is 'Fuck you, get out of my house!' You do not owe anyone any explanations for your choice, you made the right decision for you.
You are going to feel as though you're loosing your identity and will long for and crave to do something other then feed, change, burp and rock babies. When your friend comes over and offers to watch the kids you will never have been so happy to do laundry and dishes because it doesn't involve babies!
You are not going to feel that TV/Movie, all consuming, cry your eyes out and make great decelerations of love about your babies when they are born. Bonding will be difficult for you and you will wonder if it's every going to happen. It will take several months to get from 'I like you. You're really cute' to 'I would give up anything (and I have!!) because I love you so much and will do anything for you'.
Your marriage will not come out unscathed either. Your focus has gone from each other to the babies, and it's suppose to, but make time for one another. Don't blame or criticize each other, it will only cause resentment. You're both learning and doing the best you can. Support each other and keep talking, cause soon enough you'll find your rhythm and get use to your new roles and wonder what did you do before kids?
Lastly, don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can and you are doing a good job. You're strong and capable and you need to see that in yourself and trust yourself. Lean on your husband, he's in this with you. Try to enjoy the little moments along with the big ones cause you may only get to do this once.
Sincerely,
Future Self
No comments:
Post a Comment